The Weird Uncle Staring At Us While We Play A Wedding Gig!

I know that this observation might come across as being a little strange at first but I can guarantee you that we observe this at about 2 in 5 weddings. Introducing- the phenomenon of the weird uncle watching the musical proceedings leaning against a wall towards the back or side of the venue.

This may not seem like the most obvious occurrence but both Tony and I can vouch for the fact that at a fairly large amount of wedding gigs, there always seems to be a weird uncle or relative who’s played a few chords in his time who will spend the entire evening, double brandy coke in hand, leaning against a wall staring at the guitars and the chords we are playing!

This phenomenon can manifest itself in a whole number of other ways too. Sometimes, we are alerted to him very early on in the evening, long before the guests have even sat down. We’ll be setting up some of the gear facing the other way when the immortal words “what guitar are you playing tonight?” will drift across the room and smack us on the back of the head. A whole string of questioning may then follow; “What effects pedal do you use”….”What sort of stuff do you play” (my standard response is always Death Metal to see their reaction) which is all leading to the inevitable 10 minute chat about what guitar he’s playing, his gig history and the fact that he doesn’t find much time for it these days.

And let’s not forget the ultimate muso to muso question; “Do you do your own stuff?”….We sold out a long time ago baby!

Roll on three hours later and the gig has begun. As the crowd goes wild one can always catch the weird uncle out of the corner of one’s eye staring emotionless at the stage and making us feel extremely uncomfortable.

There are other forms of muso stalking on the night as well. This usually comes in the form of the guy who’s absolutely trashed who dances at the front by the stage for the entire gig playing air guitar to every single chord, every single solo. Without any question, this guy will come up to us between sets asking if he can play a song or two.

I know this sort of guy very well because that’s exactly what I used to do at every wedding too!

 

 

Our Favourite Wedding Venues

We receive a lot of wedding gig enquiries from brides and grooms who have often not chosen their wedding venue yet. We often get asked what are favourite venues are so I thought I’d list them below. We play at a load of places all over the country so I think we’re pretty qualified to make these recommendations as being some of the best around.

In no particular order;

Vrede En Lust; http://www.vnl.co.za

We love Vrede en Lust for a whole number of reasons. Firstly, it’s extremely classy and special without being at all schintzy or over the top. It’s class without being flashy. Scenically, it’s an absolutely stunning setting with your ceremony overlooking the vineyards beyond, pre-drinks are in a lovely pool garden and then the main reception takes place in an awesome permanent white ‘tent’ structure’ overlooking vineyards and the mountains beyond. Another thing that makes this venue so great is the relaxed but awesome and experienced team run by Yolanda. They do weddings all of the time here and you can tell that the way they run the operation is efficient and professional without being military and impersonal or stressful. The food here is consistently the best out of all the venues we play and that’s down to the awesome chef Duncan and his team. Another great bonus of this venue is that the wedding party can move through to the pool house for an after party till all hours- we’ve heard of many an after party pushing through till dawn here!

Rockhaven, Elgin; www.rockhavenfarm.co.za

This is an absolute cracker of a spot and we’ve now played many weddings here. Again, it’s all about relaxed quality. It’s a classy venue but really very relaxed and informal with a beautiful setting. Ceremonies take place in a stone ‘chapel’ overlooking the large dam and the mountains beyond. Canapes take place on the lawns overlooking the dam and then the main reception is held in a converted farm building. You can’t go wrong here. The food is always excellent and it’s just so conducive to a hug jol. Liz and her team are top notch.

Mollenvliet, Helshoegte Pass near Franschhoek; www.molenvliet.com

I must admit that I’d heard a lot about this relatively new venue without having played there until this season and I must say that I’m extremely impressed! I love the way that they offer a type of ‘3-centre’ experience. The ceremony can be on the top lawn before you and your guests walk through to a ‘street scene’ pre-drinks section literally in the middle of the vineyards. The main reception takes place in a beautiful building. As well as being an immaculate venue, it get’s the basic things right- the bar is relatively close to the dance floor which is always a good start.  One of the most impressive things about this venue is the team ran by the indefatigable Sven. Sven has to be one of the best venue operators that we have come across. He’s professional, efficient but extremely calm at the same time- an absolute winner for us service providers.  A great wedding venue and will prove to be extremely popular over the coming years.

Standkombuis, Yzerfontein; www.strandkombuis.co.za

We haven’t played a wedding here for a while but this is a brilliant venue. It’s a bit weather dependent so definitely one for the peak summer months but this place is what it’s all about for me. It’s relaxed, great sea views, very rustic and thus highly conducive for a massive jol.  I like any venue that doesn’t take itself too seriously. The food here is an awesome West Coast seafood buffet. You simply can’t go wrong and the guys here have got it down!

When People Can’t Make Wedding…But Tell You In a Speech

My latest wedding gripe might go relatively unnoticed by the vast majority of wedding goers but I guarantee you that it takes place at every single wedding- I’m explicitly referring to the section of the evening where the MC or Best Man reads out messages from those who couldn’t attend. 

Am I the only person on the planet that thinks that it is mildly ridiculous to be subjected to a one to two minute dedicated slot at a wedding for people who, in most cases, basically didn’t make the effort to be there unlike every single other person listening?

For me, if you haven’t made the effort to be there, why should you have a section of the proceedings set aside for you to read out a personal message for the bride and groom? I find it incredibly irritating.

Look, I understand that in some instances there will be occasions when people extremely close to the bridal party will just not be able to travel- the birth of a child, a bereavement or a chronic illness are all valid reasons not to travel.

It’s the people, however, who fall into the “we’ve looked into travelling over and its just too bloody expensive” bracket who should have no right to allotted time at a function.

And don’t even start with “we’ll be at home cracking open a bottle of champers in your honour” schtick. You won’t.  If you couldn’t be arsed to go to the wedding it’s unlikely that you would set aside a night of your weekend to stay at home and open a bottle of bubbly.

If you can’t make a wedding, that’s fine. Just don’t bore me with your messages on the night.

Bonkers!

This is a photo of a recent wedding where a man came up and jammed three songs with us playing, what he described as, Indian finger cymbals…Go figure.

Random Scattered Words = Irritating!

 

Perhaps it’s the result of playing at something like 50 odd weddings a year that has resulted in me becoming somewhat of a cynic and an old bore. My next wedding gripe might strike some of you as being a little bit overboard but I’m getting really irritated with the random words stuck on the walls all over wedding venues.

Most of you probably don’t even give it a passing thought.  The first 20 odd times that I noticed them at weddings, I probably didn’t fully register it either. However, look closely and virtually every single venue is doing this.

For me, random scattered words can be placed in the same bracket as wedding photo booths ie; quite cool and ‘out there’ when they first came on the scene. I do stand to be corrected but I’m pretty sure that I recall a time when random scattered words were nowhere to be found at weddings?

So what am I referring to specifically? Well, I’m talking about the strategic placing of lovey dovey, cuddly words all over the wedding venue.  You will obviously see all your basic marriage associated words such as “Love”…”Friendship”…”Good times”…”Family”….”Happiness”. That’s the basic, first level of scattered words. You then get the next level up which might contain offerings such as “Just Married”…”Hitched” or any number of quotes from literary thinkers, normally always Oscar Wilde.

I’m not stupid- I do get that it’s a nice way of decorating a venue and creating a nice feel. I get the principle completely but I just don’t buy it anymore! For me, it’s obvious, it’s lazy and it’s been done already.

If you really want to spice up the venue and want scattered words everywhere, then they should be more realistic about marriage. Instead of “Love” and “Happiness” they should put “Snoring” and “Farting”. “Mortgage”, “Sleep Deprivation When You Have Kids” “Irritating In-Laws” all have much more resonance for most married couples.

I know it’s not quite as jolly but it’s a bit different and hasn’t been hammered to death already!

Wedding Photo Booths- Please Ban Them Immediately

Don’t get me wrong- the basic idea of having a ‘photo booth’ at your wedding is, fundamentally, quite cool. I get it. It’s fun and all that but please….stop it…just stop it right now.

Photo booths, along with bars that are approximately one mile away from the dance floor are my biggest gripes when it comes to weddings. I recall a time in the not too distant past when photo booths at weddings were quite cool, original and fun. For me now, they are just a massive pain in the ass.  A photo booth located ‘around the corner’ from your dance floor is akin to basically saying- “I want to fuck up my whole jol”.

For starters, I guarantee you that you that every single girl at a wedding will spend at least 20-30 mins in and around the photo both at any given time of the evening. The guys will also get involved as the night progresses. For me, it’s actually quite simple- do you want to have a rocking jol and a heaving dance floor or do you want to disperse the shit out of your party?

For me, if you really do want to have to have a photo booth, I would have it open from the beginning of the canapés until, like, 9pm and the end of all the formalities. The canapés and breaks between all of the speeches and other natural gaps are the perfect time for all of that stuff. It totally detracts from the whole event if you have it running till late on in proceedings.

Some people get in an actual photo booth, which is quite a major effort. It’s the wedding photographers who offer (and presumably charge extra for..) a ‘photo booth’ product who just blatantly stick up a sheet and leave some funny hats lying about that are really taking the piss.

Look, five years ago it might have actually been quite cool and fun. But it’s SO BEEN DONE NOW. Please stop it and stop making my life as a party bandleader so much harder. For me, the best idea is to stick a load of disposal cameras at each table and develop the photos after the event. Sure, you will end up with a minimum of five photos of people’s genitals but that’s still way cooler and so much less disruptive than a bloody photo booth.

It’s mental. Rant over. Anyone agree with me?

Please locate the bar at your wedding in the same town as the function

Possibly my greatest bugbear when it comes to wedding gigs is the very often extremely crap location of the bar in relation to the dance floor. I’d say that only about 40% of wedding venues in South Africa take into account the positioning of the bar in relation to the dance floor when setting up their venues for weddings.

It’s really not rocket science. At weddings, people (especially the men) will naturally gravitate towards a free bar. I know that i would. Who wouldn’t hey? You’ve got to milk the cow when it’s in front of you. I’m not entirely sure that’s a phrase but you get my drift. You would be totally amazed at to what extent this remains an after thought at some venues. It is our biggest battle and we face it on a weekly basis. Just last night we played at a stunning well-known wine-land venue (no names mentioned- Nooitgedacht) in which the bar is located in another room entirely from the actual party. This is an epic fail.

On our band’s booking form, i specifically mention that the bar needs to be near the dance floor but a lot of people ignore it. You are effectively killing your own party. The bar needs to be right there in the thick of the action for the best parties- surely everyone knows that?

Take my word for it.

What is it with the Johnny Clegg dancing at SA weddings?

 

Every week of my life, i am truly blessed to witness the truly incredible sight of extremely pissed South African men taking over and (eventually) clearing an up to that point full dance floor with an appalling impression of Johnny Clegg.

Let me just place a couple of things into context. I grew up in London- i literally had never heard of Johnny Clegg until i arrived here 7 years ago. I’ve since seen the man perform live and i have to say that he’s bloody brilliant. I’ve also noted that he’s quite an amazing guy and was particularly important and ‘making a noise’ during a period of history in which it was extremely unusual and somewhat dangerous to do so. I also note that he hasn’t really recorded a great song of note since about 1986. I do, however, ‘get’ Johnny Clegg.

But really, does this mean that i have to tolerate and enjoy the sight of a bunch of middle aged men, previously chained to the bar drinking brandy and cokes for four hours take over and ruin all of my good work?!

There’s different levels of ‘Clegg-ness’ you see. Firstly, you get the guys who just like the music who will just drift onto the dance floor with their missus and perhaps offer up the odd whistle. Then you get the guys who automatically clear a good five metres for themselves on the dance floor who offer up not only whistles but huge, gyrating leg thrusts that would under any other circumstances see them and possibly at least three other people hospitalised. THEN you get what we call the full blown Clegg. These are the guys offering all of the above in addition to which they will roll up their trousers and place their ties around their heads.

I must admit, it makes me sad to think that i have missed this undoubtedly quintessentially South African experience of all those 18th birthdays, matric dances and no doubt endless pissed braais with parents that have educated such incredible dance floor feats. In fact, i’m totally jealous. ‘Great Heart’ is one of the best songs we play and long may that continue.

The MC Show

Something that i observed at a wedding a couple of weeks back really struck me as being rather irritating, that being what i call the “MC show’. This is when the MC of a wedding takes it upon himself to essentially make the entire reception largely about, well, himself. I’m not saying that this is a common occurrence. I’d say its about 1 in 15. In my book, the role of a master of ceremonies is to welcome everyone into the reception, lay down the ground rules, set out the order of events and basically tell you where the toilets are and where you can and can’t smoke. The MC will be the guy who’s not quite high up the rankings enough to be a best man but he’s a good, solid bet and a close mate. You can go tried and tested with a reliable person in your group or you might want to push the boat out a bit and give the role to someone with a bit more punch- a bit of humour and a definite crowd pleaser. In some instances, the MC might be the brother of the groom who isn’t the best man or the brother of the bride. So, for me at least, the role is quite a simple and defined one. Lay out the rules, set the tone and introduce the big hitters. If it were only so simple in everyone’s minds…

I’ve witnessed at least three MC’s in the last month alone who’ve taken it upon themselves to literally take over the reception. Ok, i’ll accept a little speech after the bride and groom have entered but what i can’t tolerate is an MC who decides to speak, to offer anecdotes about the happy couple and about his relationship with them before introducing every speaker in the evening. I even saw one MC (unnamed) the other week who’s vibe was to get the whole crowd to shout out a saying on his cue about ten times during the night. and it TOTALLY bombed. So, rant over. If you’re a master of ceremonies at a wedding, set the tone, lay out the ground rules and steer the folks through the evening subtly  and manfully. Don’t take over the whole bloody event!

A brief introduction

My name is Dan Green and i’m a wedding singer. That’s me in the photo above. As you can see, i’m absolutely mental. This is a studio shot of me. The miracle here is not that the photographer manages to make me look vaguely cool but that i managed to stay airbourne long enough to make it possible. I’m part of the band Me and Mr Brown . I sing at a lot of weddings, something like 60 a year. I also sing at a lot of other parties, corporates and big festivals but it’s really at weddings that i see and observe the craziest, funniest sh*t that you will ever see. So i thought i’d share these observations with the world. I have no idea how i ended up doing my job but i do love it.  Sometimes i see things that amaze me- things that literally blow me away. Some things irritate me, some things make me laugh and i want to share them all with you. You can read this blog for amusement purposes or even if you need help planning a wedding or function. When you play at 60 weddings a year, i think that you are entitled to give your advice, opinions and observations. Take it or leave it. Just enjoy, spread the word and remember, when i’m singing into my microphone mid song, it’s not the best time to shout into my ear begging me to play Gagnam Style. And no, you can’t go to the car and get your I Phone so that you can plug it in and play some random track that literally only you will know.